Prioritize THEIR Feelings Before Your Own: Lead with Relief

In times of stress or conflict, it’s natural for us to focus inward. We go into self-protective mode, prioritizing our own feelings, perceptions, and defenses. This is what’s known as a “one-person psychological system.” In this mode, we’re primarily concerned with our own experience, making it difficult to truly connect with our partner or understand their perspective.

But what if we could shift from this individualistic approach to a “two-person psychological system”? This shift involves considering the relationship as a dynamic interplay between two people. Instead of prioritizing our own needs, we focus on the well-being of both partners and the relationship itself. It’s about full collaboration and cooperation—working together to maintain connection and understanding, especially in moments of distress.

The Difference Between One-Person and Two-Person Psychological Systems

• One-Person Psychological System: In this mode, you’re focused on your own experience. It’s about defending yourself, justifying your actions, and protecting your own feelings. You might find yourself thinking, “Why don’t they understand my side?” or “I need to explain why I did what I did.” While this response is natural, it often leads to more conflict because it neglects your partner’s feelings.

• Two-Person Psychological System: Here, the focus shifts to the relationship as a whole. Instead of defending yourself, you prioritize reducing your partner’s distress. You think, “How can I help my partner feel better right now?” or “What does my partner need from me in this moment?” This approach fosters connection and trust, creating a safe space for both partners to navigate difficult emotions together.

Lead with Relief: A Key Strategy for Connection

One powerful way to practice a two-person psychological system is by leading with relief. This means that when your partner is upset, your first goal is to reduce their stress and make them feel safe—before you explain your side or try to solve the problem. The key is to act quickly and empathetically.

Why Leading with Relief Works

• Gestures and Tone Matter: Words can be slow and often misinterpreted, especially in moments of tension. However, gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice can quickly communicate empathy and care. A soft tone, a gentle touch, or a concerned look can immediately soothe your partner, showing them that you’re attuned to their distress.
• Acknowledge First, Explain Later: When you lead with an apology or acknowledgment of your partner’s feelings, you’re validating their experience. This doesn’t mean you’re admitting fault—it means you recognize that your partner is hurt and you care about their emotional state. Once your partner feels understood and their stress level decreases, there will be room for both of you to discuss what happened more calmly.

In Stan Tatkin’s book, “In Each Other’s Care”, he illustrates the power of leading with relief in the following scenario:

Imagine you’re at a party, and someone accidentally steps on your toe. Now consider the various responses they might give:

1. “I didn’t see your foot.”
2. “It wasn’t my fault; someone pushed me.”
3. “Watch where you’re going.”
4. “Your foot is too big.”
5. “Oh no! I am so very sorry. Are you okay?”

Which response would make you feel the best in that moment? Clearly, the fifth one. It doesn’t matter whether it was intentional or not—what matters is that the person immediately recognizes your pain and cares enough to address it. This is the essence of leading with relief.

Take-Home Points for Your Relationship

1. Prioritize Your Partner’s Feelings: In moments of tension, focus on reducing your partner’s distress before addressing your own needs or explaining your actions.
2. Use Nonverbal Cues: Sometimes a gentle touch, a soft tone, or a concerned expression can communicate more effectively than words.
3. Apologize First, Explain Later: Acknowledging your partner’s feelings and apologizing for the situation doesn’t mean you’re admitting fault. It shows that you care about their experience and want to make things better.
4. Stay Connected: By leading with relief, you create a safer and more connected environment for both you and your partner. This approach strengthens your bond and makes it easier to navigate future conflicts.
5. Practice Graciousness: Learn to be gracious in these moments. A simple, heartfelt acknowledgment of your partner’s feelings can go a long way in maintaining the health and happiness of your relationship.

Remember, the goal is to build a relationship where both partners feel valued, understood, and supported—even in difficult moments. Leading with relief is a powerful way to make that happen.

References: Tatkin, S. (2023). In each other’s care (p. 65). Boulder, CO: Sounds True, Inc.